It's a Cramped Closet, and Getting Smaller

Robert M.

Recently, I've been asked many times, "When did you know you were gay?" I always answer, "When I thought Bobby was cuter than Susie." But in reality I'm not sure when I knew. I had always known there was something different about me. Even in kindergarten. I'd always felt a certain attraction to the other boys in my classes. I'd passed it off as a phase, or as something normal that all boys go through. I thought that as I got older those feeling[s] would grow weaker and that I would become "normal." It never happened, though. In fact, the exact opposite happened. As I got older those feelings got stronger and stronger no matter how hard I tried to suppress them. In my head I was always thinking, "There's no way 'I' can be gay. I mean, you only see gay people on T.V.; I can't be one of them." Although I've never been very religious I prayed every night for God to make those feelings disappear. I tried to force myself to like girls. I dated girls like all of the other guys, but the entire time I knew that I had no interest in them outside of friendship. At around the age of 14 I accepted it. I was one of "those people." I was gay.

Even though I had accepted it myself, there was no way in hell I was ever going to let anyone else know. My plan was to go through life lying about it. I was going to marry a woman and have kids and lead a "normal" life. It was going to be my deep dark secret. If it ever got out that I was gay my life would be ruined. In my mind it would have been the equivalent of the end of the world. Fire and brimstone would rain down and my life would end in agony. The older I got, though, the more the lying got to me. I hated not being able to say the things that were truly on my mind. I've always thought of myself as a very outspoken person and to keep such a big part of who I am hidden away was beginning to take its toll. I hated having to lie to my best friends. I hated having to lie to my family. When I was 16 I decided that I wasn't going to lie anymore.

The people a person surrounds [him]self with are a huge factor in that person's happiness; however if someone can't be [him]self around those people then will never be happy. That became very clear to me over the years. I figured that if my friends and family really loved me, then they would accept me, no matter who or what I was. I decided that if they didn't accept me, then they didn't deserve to be in my life. At that point in my life, I only wanted to surround myself with people who loved me and accepted me for who I was. I had, and still have, no need for anyone who didn't respect me. The first person I decided to tell was my best friend Katheryn. She had always been very accepting of gay people, and being my best friend, she seemed like the obvious choice for a practice run. Even after talking myself up I still wasn't confident enough to just come out say, "Hey Katheryn, you know how you have a crush on that guy over there? Well so do I." I decided that things would go a lot smoother if I wrote her a letter and gave it to her at school. I spent all night writing. I wrote, I threw away, I rewrote, and I threw away again. Everything had to be perfect. In the letter I told her how much her friendship meant to me, and that I hoped that my confession didn't change anything in our relationship. When I decided that it was as good as I could possibly make it, I finally went to bed.

After a sleepless night, I got out of bed filled with apprehension. What was she going to say? Would she still be my friend after this? Those were the thoughts that kept circulating in my mind. I found her at the table that we usually sat at in the morning. I didn't say anything to her at first. I just pulled the letter out of my backpack, handed it to her for her to read, and retreated to the other side of the cafeteria to watch from a distance. I watched her face as she read, trying to scan for any clue as to what she was thinking. When she had finished reading I saw her shake her head and laugh. What the hell did that mean? I slowly made my way back to the table, sat down and didn't say anything. She looked up at me and said, "I already know. I've known for while now." Suffice to say I was a bit disappointed. While I was hoping for a good reaction from her, I was at least hoping for some reaction. It was like waiting all night to go to Disney land but when the morning came you end up at the county fair. Part of me wanted just a little bit of drama. Hugging, crying, anything! After that the day went on just like it always did. No strange stares in the hallways, and no snickering behind my back. The world didn't end and my life wasn't over. Seeing how well it went with Katheryn somehow gave me the courage to tell my mother--however, not on the same day. I waited a week or two before I told my mom.

I waited until there was no one home but me and my mother. I didn't want my brother listening in on any part of our conversation. I knocked on her bedroom door and waited for her to invite me in. After I entered I sat on the bed and told her that I had something to tell her. She muted the television and listened to what I had to say. As I looked at her I could feel all the courage I had stored up being sapped away. If I was going to do it, I would just have to blurt it out. Basically I muttered something along the lines of, "I think I might be gay." I looked away from her as soon as I said it and waited for the screaming to ensue. It was very quiet for a few minutes. Finally the silence broke and she asked me a question. "Are you sure?" she asked me. "I think so." I replied. More quiet. "Well if you're sure then it's just something we'll have to deal with." She said. After that I just got up and went to my room to think about what I had just done. I wasn't sure if it had actually been the smartest thing.

The next few weeks were a bit tense in my house. My mother and I were avoiding each other like the plague. We'd pass each other in the house and look away. My brother was oblivious and I wasn't sure if she had told John (her fiancé). Life went on like that for a while until one day she brought it up. As we passed each other in the kitchen I looked away and she stopped. She turned and said, "I'm fine with you being gay and I love you." Then she hugged me and continued on into her bedroom. From that point on things slowly went back to normal. We weren't discussing it at dinner or anything but things were more comfortable.

My big brother and father didn't find out for another six months. At school I had told more friends and eventually pretty much everyone knew and didn't care. My mom had told John and he didn't care either. I had become much happier and more comfortable with myself; but I still wasn't ready to tell my dad or brother myself. It was Christmas Eve and for some reason we were watching an episode of Queer Eye For The Straight guy. My brother kept making all these comments about "faggots this" and "faggots that." My mom kept telling him to shut his mouth but that's never really worked with him. My dad had come down from Round Rock to spend the evening with us and was sitting in the living room with everyone else. My mom went to her room to get something and I got up and followed her in. I asked her to go out there and tell them about me while I waited in the room. It was easier than having to do it myself. She kept asking me if I was ready for them to know and I said absolutely. She went back out into the living room and I have no idea what she said. John came into the bedroom and turned on the T.V. He said that he didn't want to be out there for it either. It just made me laugh.

After about 5 minutes my mom came back and said that my dad was taking me and my brother out to dinner, and yes I had to go. As I left the room I said nothing and walked straight out to my dad's car. I didn't say anything on the ride to the restaurant and for the majority of dinner I listened to my CD player. My dad and brother were making normal conversation and kept trying to involve me in it, but I said as little as possible. Toward the end of dinner my brother told me to take off my headphone and stop ignoring them. He said, "It doesn't matter what you are. It's not that serious and we'll always be there for you." My dad agreed with him. We continued through dinner as if there was nothing wrong; though I still wasn't really comfortable.

I'm not going to pretend that after that everything was perfect. There were still hard times involving my sexuality; but at least my family knew who I was. I didn't have to hide my true emotions from the people closest to me, and nothing can explain the weight that was lifted off of my shoulders. I believe that people take honesty for granted these days. Most people don't realize how hard it can be to let the truth about you come out. When I meet new friends, now the relationship we build isn't built on secrets and lies, and that is one of the best feelings in the world.