A Chip Off a Few Old Blocks

Latonia M.

Think back for a minute and ask yourself what people in your past or present have influenced your life. There are many different ways to be influenced by someone. You can be influenced by their actions, words, or even by their presence. Being influenced doesn't always have to be when good things happen. You can be influenced by other people's mistakes. Is there someone in your life that you aspire to be like? Or is there someone that you've vowed never to be like? Either way these people have influenced your life. There have been a number of women that have influenced my life, both negatively and positively. I'd like to share them with you.

First of all, there's my maternal grandmother who passed away when I was in kindergarten. I have always- and always will- refer to her as my mother. She was in some ways a very strong woman. She was my knight in shining armor. I can remember her taking me out of a bad situation, living with my mom, to a very loving home. She was an older woman, apparently, who had reared all her children, and for the most part they were all adults. Some of my uncles lived with us, but they were in junior high and high school. They were my big brothers. My grandma left the rural area of Brandon, Mississippi, and took her children to the city life of Jackson, Mississippi. I don't ever remember her working a conventional job, but she always seemed to make a way for us. The children never worried about what to eat or if the bills were getting paid. That in itself was great coming from my previous environment. I ask myself how my life would be different if my grandmother would have not passed away so early on in my life.

Looking back on my life with her I have nothing but good memories. I can remember this record she used to play by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers called, "Items in the Streams." We used to sing that song to each other. I don't know if that song completely fit us, but there was enough there to symbolize what we shared. The one verse that sticks in my mind is this one:

"Items in the stream. That is what we are. No one in between. How can we be wrong? Sail away with me To another world and we'll rely on each. From one another to another."

Just singing that song as I type brings tears to my eyes. She was such a powerful woman. She taught me to stand up for my self. I can remember one day I got off the bus and this boy beat me up. Well, being the baby in the house, I ran home crying to her. To my surprise, she was angry with me. She told me to never let anyone do that to me again. Her words were, "If you ever come in this house like that again. And if you ever let anybody beat you up and you don't try to defend yourself. Then I'm going to get you too." Although, she scared the crap out of me, I was taught a valuable lesson. Well// let me just tell you, no one has be able to bully me again. Or at least I never let her find out about it. And to this day I have used that same method with my children.

My grandmother also got me out of little messes that I couldn't get myself out of. I remember getting in trouble, with some other kids, right before the bell rang to go home. The teacher promised us all that we'd get a paddling the next morning. We devised a plan to wear shorts under our pants for extra padding. The teacher somehow found out and by the time she got to me was angry. She pulled my pants down and spanked me. Well, needless to say, when my grandma found out she was very upset. She came to the school and told the teacher what she thought about her and when the principal tried to take the teacher's side she gave him a couple of choice words too.

Although my grandma was and is one of the strongest women I know, just like everyone, she had her weakness, too. I never remembered my grandmother having a man in her life after she separated from my grandfather. From what I've heard, my grandfather was a very abusive man. I seldom heard her talk about him or any man, for that matter. She kept her days busy by pretty much taking care of us. She never really made time for herself. My grandma died of a heart attack. I think if she would have taken more time out for herself she would have lived longer. She cared for everyone else and at the end of the day there was no one there to care for her.

From my grandmother I learned a number of things. I learned that if you don't stand up for yourself, then people will continue to mistreat you. I also learned that you have to put yourself first. No one is ever going to love you the way you can love yourself. And a big part of loving and taking care of your family is taking care of yourself. I always try to take care of myself. I want to be around to see my great-great grandchildren have children. I only wish that my grandmother could have done the same. She also taught me that you can survive without a man in your life. Although it is good to have someone to come home to, it shouldn't be by any means necessary. Just like my grandmother, I am a single mother. I want to be the kind of mother that she was, always there for my children. Even until the end.

Then there's my mother, the one that gave birth to me. My mom was born with a handicap. She's deaf and mute. When she had me, she was a way from home at the Mississippi School for the deaf. She gave birth to me at the age of sixteen. I don't think she was ready to care for a child at that time. She would come home from school every weekend and spend time with my father, who was from her neighborhood. No, he wasn't deaf. Their relationship wasn't a regular one from what I heard. From what I heard it wasn't a relationship at all. My father died when I was a month old, and I really don't know if he ever even saw me. My mother doesn't like to talk about him. I think that there are some real deep issues there.

After my mom left school, moved to the city. This was before my grandmother made the move. I really don't know if I went with my mom or if I stayed with my grandmother. My mom had it hard on her own. She surrounded herself with a lot of friends from the school she went to. I guess they made her feel secure. Or maybe she just felt like she belonged when she was with them. I do remember that when I did live with my mother we moved around a lot. There were times she couldn't pay the rent, so we'd have to go. There were times when she had come across the wrong crowd and just wanted to move to make a fresh start. I can remember making a lot of fresh starts.

My mom has been deaf from birth and not one person in her family, aside from her own children, learned to sign. That has got to be tough. These are the people that are supposed to be your shield from the outside world. How can you run to them when something is going wrong if you can't even communicate with them? I believe that is why she surrounded herself with people like herself. Those people she could communicate with. Throughout her life she has tried to find the love that she missed at home, though many of her dysfunctional relationships created more disappointments that made her start to crave love even more. My mother was different from my grandmother, because she felt like she needed a man in her life. She has gone to so many bad relationships, only to be left scared physically and emotionally.

My mother has brought understanding in my life. Just typing this is hard for me. She didn't have understanding. She didn't know who she was as a young woman. She didn't understand the quiet world around her. I think that she just wanted to be loved, and I don't believe that she ever felt love from her family. I have realized that even though I love my family, I have to make my own happiness. I also learned from my mother the same thing I learned from my grandmother but in a different way. I learned that I don't need a man in my life . . . My mother felt as though [she needed a man], by any means necessary. Like me my mother is and was a single parent. But, unlike me, my mother chose to give up her children. I don't fault her for that because she did what she thought was best for everyone. I will fight for my children until the last. Even though it doesn't seem I like it that is what I admire most about my mother. Instead of selfishly holding on to us, she gave us to people she felt could better care for us. In her actions, I learned that sometimes you have to let go of the things you love so that they, my sisters and I, can have a better life.

Last, but certainly not least is my aunt, Betty. She is the strongest woman I have ever seen in my life. She's so strong sometimes it's scary. I have for so long wanted to be like her, but it's nearly impossible for me. She knows how to do everything. She can change the oil in her car, plug a tire, cook a meal, go to work, and take care of her grand children all in the same day. That is the way I want to be. I guess I'd call her an ultimate multi-tasker. She was also a single mother. She worked and took care of four children on her own. She bought land and a home without any help from the father of children. What really gets me is she never finished high school. If I'm not mistaken, she dropped out in the seventh grade to help my grandmother take care of the other children. A few years ago she went back to school and got her G.E.D. To a lot of people this may have not be important after all these years but to her it meant the world. My aunt is known to everyone in town as the go to person. She will help anybody. I have seen her help complete strangers. She'd take these people in like she's known them all of her life.

There are some characteristics that I feel are unobtainable about my aunt. She doesn't seem to crave affection or even want it in the least, for that matter. She's married and has been for about 15 years. I never see her show any kind of affection towards him. I try to say it's because my family as a whole doesn't show affection, but I do believe hers is a bit extreme. I love my aunt and up until I joined the military we didn't express that love. I can remember the first time I told her that I loved her. I was leaving for basic training. I was about to get into the car when I turned around and gave her a hug. When I pulled back I told her that I loved her. I could see by the expression in her face that she didn't expect it. She was really at a loss for a couple of seconds. Then she said with a pressed look on her face that she loved me, too. There is no doubt in my mind that my aunt loves me. I know that she does. She's just not wired to express it in that way.

So what I learned from her was to try really hard to tell the people in my life that I love them. I went away to Iraq and it makes me want to tell them even more. I try to hug and kiss my children more. I think that if I don't constantly remind myself to do it then like my aunt it will fall by the wayside. I also learned that sometimes a man needs to feel like a man. I can do a lot of things myself, but if at the particular time I'm seeing someone I let him do it. I think that a lot of men feel threatened by a woman who overly exerts herself. As a man he may feel as though he doesn't have a purpose if she can do every thing by herself. While I do commend my aunt for being able and willing to do herself when she had to, I think that when you have a helpmeet then you should allow that person to be that.

People can bring all sorts of things to your life, knowingly and unknowingly. In a lot of ways I think that being influenced can a positive thing. If you take a negative influence and turn it into something positive, then it's made you a better person. So I ask you again, who in your past or present has influenced you?